Every end of the year Twitter list of “who to follow” always includes every person we already follow. So I decided to take it upon myself to make a list of 140 underrated, super funny tweeters with less than 20,000 followers. Enjoy. Follow. Share. And don’t suck dick for money.
1) @aFinnishLine You can tell if I did the dishes by whether or not I strut around with the dish towel over my shoulder all night.
2) @Ahm76 Picture your husband shooting out of your mother-in-law’s vagina straight into yours. #catch
3) @Ali_Moran Bank of America ATMs now allow ppl to deposit ‘stacks of checks’ in one transaction, which must be rad for people who have stacks of checks.
4) @AmberTozer “Hey, I don’t like it here anymore. I’ll never be back. Have a good day.” - laid back suicide note.
5) @Amaya_Teresa Ever make a booty call just cause you couldn’t find parking?
6) @andreaseigel Sometimes I like to let my hair down. But even more than that, I like to let my family down.
7) @andrewhibbard Just once I would like my wife to tuck me into bed, kiss me on the forehead, and say “Good night, sweet prince.” Then jerk me off furiously.
8) @aparnapkin SHUT UP, NEW FACEBOOK!!! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD.
9) @Bez The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!
10) @Bitterjojo Losing my cell phone was a much bigger deal than losing my virginity.
11) @blaudiablogan I knew Beyonce’s pee tasted weird lately.
12) @bornferal “If I can’t half you, no one can.” - A possessive magician threatening his assistant
13) @BoweKnows Just egged my own house. Fuck you, me!
14) @Brandamonium Hey “Full House!” If Danny Tanner is such a good dad then how come his wife is dead?
15) @brentbradshaw I think they just build park benches so international spies have a place to talk.
16) @brideylee So hacky when funerals end with I Gotta Feeling by black eyed peas! Ya know?!
17) @bridger_w Ummm hello farmers you can stop we have grocery stores now
18) @brittaniheather Just finished my first self-defense course. Now I know exactly what to do if I’m attacked in slow motion.
19) @brittanyfieldss If you do that one more time I swear I’ll say this exact sentence again.
20) @Brotherwags Some of you should be less clever on this thing. You’d be funnier.
21) @cancer_cluster Hey, every man who wears a turtleneck: You look like an upside-down prolapsed anus.
22) @Carll_Bennett My parents put me up for adoption after they found out my name was Carl.
23) @charstarlene Can you spell Matthew McConaughey without googling? Why?
24) @Chase__Chase how un-chill would it be if you od’d on chill pills?
25) @christianduguay If you want us to know how much you love biking, we better see your cock and balls through your shorts.
26) @Colin_McCormick “Okay—don’t get cancer.” (My response to “Have a safe flight.”)
27) @ContactLangley Pac Man must take the hugest shit in between levels.
28) @corneezy Just found out that I haven’t been breakdancing, just somersaulting.
29) @cornlog We used to call my grandmother “Gram” because of all the coke she did.
30) @croninwhocares That’s enough screen time, Papa John’s guy.
31) @CS70 “Look at these assholes.” - proctologist seeking a second opinion.
32) @dadourianbow Just found out Chelsea Clinton got married. I can not stop crying about how beautiful that is.
33) @danellebunker If someone ever makes a statue of me, please wipe any bird shit off of my face.
34) @Dave_Horwitz Want to hear a scaaaaary story? Here goes: Your tweets are neeeeever going to make you faaaaaamous!!! OOoooooh!!!
35) @daveihl Looking to hire a divorce photographer.
36) @Discountdracula Man pushing a toddler in a stroller just said “do you wanna go peepee” but he was looking right at me
37) @dubouchet “I am having an absolutely terrible time today.” — my underwear.
38) @ediebobedie “That’s so raven.”-Edgar Allan Poe
39) @EliOlsberg “BRB!” - Suicide note of someone who believes in reincarnation
40) @elliemce I like seeing baby pictures of my boyfriends, it’s so cute, cuz like, I fucked that baby!
41) @emilymayamills You know you’ve made it when your outgoing voicemail message is, “Please SUCK IT after the FART!” And then a fart noise.
42) @famouscrab i call my son my little light switch because i make a point of flipping him off every night before bed
43) @frenchielaboozi next time i have a crush just gonna change my last name to theirs on fb and see what happens
44) @grantpa There is a fourth Scream movie coming out, but it isn’t called Scream 4: Ice Cream, so who cares.
45) @HeyHosey I’ve had enough of your shit. Not sure why I accepted the previous shipments. Guess I figured, why not, free shit. But that’s all over now.
46) @hihough If you ever see me running barefoot, I’m either trying to not get murdered or hoping to catch the ice cream truck.
47) @IamEnidColeslaw Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.
48) @imaliwaller The one thing you don’t read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.
49) @imchriskelly Ive seen more Geico commercials than sunrises.
50) @Im_Tricia My favorite sexual position is when they let me spend the night.
51) @James_Shickich I still operate under the assumption that wearing a baseball hat backwards is cruise-control for coolness.
52) @jaredmoskowitz If you’ve ever described yourself as “livin’ the dream” I want you dead.
53) @jeffreymax Hey, all you Internet losers, why don’t you go download a LIFE?!
54) @jendenbrat My new safe word is my husband’s mom’s name, but I haven’t told him, yet. I want it to be a surprise.
55) @JennKirwin No one knows who Kelly Ripa is over here. #France
56) @jenstatsky I watch most pornos in reverse, cause then they are about being rewarded for sex with a pizza.
57) @jessicacabot keeping yourself alive is expensive.
58) @jonkimmel I would be so much more self conscious about the state of my anus if I were gay. Right now I’m all whatevs about it.
59) @joseph_ocon I would never spank my kids unless they were acting really sexy.
60) @joshbeckdotnet Twitter is great for making you want to check the spelling on words you already know how to spell.
61) @juliadavidovich Today marks my one year anniversary of seeing someone’s sweatpant boner on the subway
62) @justinshanes I insist upon calling these soy beans “I am” beans. This is America! Speak English! #farmershanes
63) @kdn13 I’ve forgotten how to “hang out” with people if alcohol isn’t involved.
64) @kelsyabbott tea party members have started sticking anti-obama post its to gas pumps. which would be a good idea if it wasnt a fucking retarded idea.
65) @kirahesser Feels like we should all be talking a lot more about the fact that someone officially sanctioned the name Lake Titicaca
66) @klickitatstreet True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.
67) @Kory_4d I’m pretty legit, but I can quit any time I want.
68) @kramediggles Ugh this morning this cop was all “what’s with the fake mustache” & “you can’t throw turtle shells out of your vehicle” & “who’s Yoshi”
69) @kristygee I haven’t tweeted in a few days; I was listening to one of my mom’s voicemail messages.
70) @ladybirdj If someone says they’re only human, give them a second look. That sure does sound like something a robot would say.
71) @laurencesmb My panic room is just full of candy.
72) @lazerdoov I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
73) @legendaryadam If your online college doesnt have a sick ass rap then why would I go???
74) @Lenny_Pierce “I don’t want no scrubs.” – difficult surgeon
75) @lifeserial I don’t even try to fold the fitted sheet correctly anymore. I just take it from the dryer and throw it in the fireplace.
76) @loljksob As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
77) @lolligans My doctor asked if I need to be put on birth control, but we both just looked at each other and laughed.
78) @LouisPeitzman This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
79) @markleggett If you’re the type of person who doesn’t have a favourite dinosaur, go fuck yourself.
80) @MatthewBurnside “Shhhh. Don’t let anyone know we’re pointless.” - sports
81) @mattingebretson When I was a kid I always got picked last for puberty.
82) @mikeleffingwell “That’s so Raven” - Raven Symone’s parents identify her body.
83) @Molly_Kats The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
84) @mostShef Don’t have people over if the only bags lining your mini trash cans are from either the Dollar Store or Taco Bell.
85) @MostlyPregnant If I ever change my twitter handle you could safely speculate that homegirl accident’ly got pregnant & doesn’t find this shit funny anymore
86) @MrAdamGreenwood BREAKING BAD is so good. AMC should re-title it BREAKING GOOD…because it’s such a good show. It should be called “BREAKING GOOD:THE SHOW”
87) @MsDuh I don’t have a middle ground with pictures. I either look great…or like I just got back from a week long gangbang.
88) @nachosarah I bet when we ride horses they think we’re humping them and they’re just trying to get away
89) @nanglish In order to repeat a single song on iTunes, you should have to click a button that says “Yeah, I want to be all weird about it.”
90) @nanoblossom I THINK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH NYQUIL NOW TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS ABOUT TEXTING MY EXES TO BLAME THEM FOR THE WEATHER
91) @NotDeakins Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds.
92) @NotYourName Ironman looks like a lipstick.
93) @Pat_Healy “Dad!” my shit says. Going to the hospital now.
94) @patrickmarkryan Imagine how awkward the ‘oh by the way, your farts make sound’ conversation is with a deaf person.
95) @pauldanke I never ran away from home as a kid. We had a big screen so I was like - fuck it I’ll chill here.
96) @porters I’d like Jesus more if he was named God Jr.
97) @rachelhastings Dear Brandy, if you ever write an autobiography, please call it Memoirs of a Moesha.
98) @rachow Just because we both have tattoos does not mean we need to know each other.
99) @RaisedByHumans My dentist told me I grind in my sleep- I told him he should see me at middle school dances.
100) @Randazzoj Please do not call me “trendy” or a “hipster” for enjoying cocktails. I am an alcoholic.
101) @RickyCarmona What’s the name of that Maya Angelou poem where she’s like “I wanna fuck you like an animal”?
102) @RobinMcCauley I’m a lot like my mom now that I’m older and married to my dad.
103) @robbaedeker I hate it when I blurt out my Etsy username during Taekwondo practice.
104) oops I messed up this coulda been u oh well
105) @RonnieWK If you’re shitting in a public restroom, don’t wait for everyone to leave before you emerge from the stall. Some of us want to meet you!
106) @ryanoflan “Okay who is Yoshi right now? Who is player 3? Whoever that is, stop being a faggot.” -Martin Van Buren
107) @SamGrittner When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
108) @sammontgomery I have more empty wine bottles in my room than I have friends.
109) @sbellelauren CALM DOWN GAS TANK WE’RE ALL EMPTY INSIDE
110) @seankent Facebook’s only purpose is to remind me that some girl I fingered in High School just turned 37.
111) @shanenickerson In line for coffee. Just took a bath in someone’s fart.
112) @shawnries I get so mad whenever I see a bird walking. It’s like, come on, use your fuckin’ wings, dude!
113) @SheBanggs I painted the inside of my shower green so that anyone who films me showering can use the green screen effect to customize the background.
114) @ShebeMolly I can’t be a stripper because I’m too ticklish. :(
115) @ShutUpAndrosky IF YOU DRINK WARM KEG BEER AT LUNCH U DONT FEEL LIKE DON DRAPER BUT ITS COOL BECUZ THAT DUDE CRIED A LOT AND ISN’T ON TV FOR AWHILE
116) @Smethanie Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”
117) @STACEYNIGHTMARE What’s worse, uncontrollable diarrhea or diarrhea you can completely control to the point of riding it around like Iceman?
118) @steveoburrito if only i could tokyo drift ALL of my problems away…
119) @Superfluously Some asshole just saw me skipping.
120) @Tess This other doctor just told a patient over the phone that they had diarrhea and when he hung up he started singing that diarrhea song.
121) @tessastrain Look, all I want is to be pretty enough that my being funny is constantly called into question.
122) @TesstifyBarker Probably what first got me interested in drugs was watching Jessi Spano lose her fucking mind on caffeine pills.
123) @ThatsSoLampy “Fuck it, no one’s listening.” -me in every social encounter
124) @ThatSusanBurke Just so you guys know, I’ve lied everytime I’ve said “sure” to the question “Pepsi okay?”
125) @TheAnitaGee When guys lie down on their backs their nuts kinda form the shape of a heart and I think that’s really neat
126) @TheSofiya I just threw up with my butt a little.
127) @TheGilled Remember how Jurassic Park had zero Stegosauruses? What the hell was that about?
128) @tinaisall How do you know I’m doing a nice job, fitness DVD instructor? I’m sitting on my couch throwing cheetos at the TV.
129) @TomHanksIsHot I had a vision of Hell where none of the dogs would let me pet them and every level in Mario was a water level.
130) @TotallyAllen “You sick fuck.” -unprofessional doctor
131) @vazqueztyler Smuggling is the cutest sounding felony.
132) @VerifiedHarris Mom says it’s against the law to be so handsome. I don’t want to get arrested lol
133) @walshbrothers My girlfriend just fell up the stairs and got pregnant.
134) @weismanjake “So what do you worry about for fun?” -me on a first date
135) @what_Rosa_said The most depressing thing about Intervention is how bad the family members are at reading aloud.
136) @whatupjames no one loves tyra as much as tyra loves tyra.
137) @whitneyteubs All you need is love?? HA what about fucking food and water?? dumb.
138) @WhoCarols “I don’t think we can trust Dumbledore” what I just said to my Christmas tree while watching Lord of the Rings for the 1st time.
139) @XMASWARMACHINE If you’ve ever made it to the “Add Hamburger” step of making Hamburger Helper and had to return to the store to buy hamburger, just eat out.
140) @zoepastel A chair just broke under me. I was eating a piece of cake when it happened. This is my suicide note.
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