April 2011
53 posts
Apr 30th
6 notes
1 tag
Unfollow Follow Unfollow Follow
Someone picked my tweet as “Tweet of the Day” and they don’t even fucking follow me. How do I know this? Because I don’t follow them. Don’t get me wrong I’m honored they picked my tweet out of everyones from the whole day because that’s really awesome but why the fuck do you only have to follow me if I follow you? That’s bullshit. I especially hate...
Apr 29th
27 notes
I have very little to brag about
so please let me have this.  I’m really good at giving presents. It’s probably in my top five best qualities (which is sad). This year for my friends birthday I bought him one of those mini bottles of Jagermeister-his favorite alcohol, Black Swan on Bluray and I asked Sarah (his favorite comedian) if she can sign her book for him (he already has it but obviously not signed and...
Apr 28th
asiveseenontv asked: What is your favorite TV show?
Apr 26th
1 note
noonewould asked: eyes pealed
mailbox
present

soon


xxxo your internet fag
Apr 25th
Anonymous asked: Will you at least have Josh film your act and upload to YouTube, YouPorn or any other video sharing site of your choosing? For us...For the children?
Apr 25th
davids-tumblr asked: Do you have a date set for your standup?
Apr 24th
2 tags
Apr 24th
Subject Object: Stalkers in our midst - beware. →
racheldory: I wasn’t planning at first to to post this publicly. After running out of DM’s today on Twitter answering questions along with finding out that many other people here have been directly targeted by this person, I feel compelled to share my story with anyone and everyone who is interested in…
Apr 21st
90 notes
Apr 21st
7 notes
Apr 21st
23 notes
http://fyeahauntjackie.tumblr.com/ →
Apr 21st
Apr 21st
5,907 notes
noonewould asked: I GOT MY BLOWJOB!!!!!!!

you're literally the best thing that has happened to my internet life.
Apr 19th
2 notes
Anonymous asked: http://www.etsy.com/listing/67807079/roseanne-chicken-shirt-white-small-xl-as?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=roseanne&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=
Apr 18th
4 notes
Apr 17th
23 notes
1 tag
Apr 16th
25 notes
Apr 16th
9 notes
1 tag
LOL I just realized John Leguizamo follows me (and...
Apr 15th
10 notes
I downloaded the Skype app if anyone wants to see...
Apr 15th
wiigz asked: I was sitting forever racking my brains trying to figure out who I forgot on my "blogs I check every day" post and it was most definitely you! I am ashamed of myself, I apologise, it has been fixed <3
Apr 14th
1 tag
Apr 13th
8 notes
Apr 13th
20 notes
writinginbed asked: I'm not 100% sure but I think we're best friends now! LET'S SHARE SHOES!
Apr 13th
2 notes
1 tag
Apr 13th
Apr 12th
thehustlerofmoney asked: I'm a huge fan of your tweets. you're waaay ahead of game, poop-joke-wise. now get yourself and agent and get your money, girl.
Apr 12th
6 notes
I fucked up
You guys remember that bar I found that puts on stand-up shows near me? Well for some reason I kept thinking the show was on Wednesdays but it’s on Mondays, in fact it’s this Monday and I work today. Also my only means of communication to the dude I know who hosts it was on Facebook and he was in SF performing and didn’t get back to me in time. (I now have his number so I can...
Apr 11th
9 notes
gabekawczynski asked: would it be weird if i friended you on facebook? i mean, i've messaged you like four times already so that's basically when people ask to be bff's, right? is it even weirder that im asking you first to become facebook friends when i could have sent you a request?
-anal gabel
Apr 11th
2 notes
1 tag
Dad to Face
Recently I have been meeting people from Twitter or making plans to meet people from Twitter. I say people but I really should be saying “friends” RIGHT GUYS? Anyways an idea came into my head yesterday but I know I’m never going to act on it so I decided to post it. The next time I make plans to meet someone I wanted to send my dad in replace of me and try and make the person...
Apr 11th
15 notes
2 tags
Apr 11th
11 notes
Ellie McE: Voicemail →
elliemce: Hi, you’ve reached Ellie McElvain’s cell phone. Sorry I didn’t get your call, but if you leave a message, I will call you back. I also might not call you back. It’s probably not because I hate you. I can be very forgetful. In fact, it’d be better if you just call me again in five-ish minutes. Even…
Apr 10th
14 notes
Apr 9th
22 notes
2 tags
Apr 9th
4 notes
Apr 9th
1 tag
Apr 8th
3 notes
Apr 8th
jamonthirteen asked: You liking my shit is the shit!
Apr 8th
1 note
WatchWatch
kellyoxford: People who like me will like to like this and people who hate me will love to hate this. win-win here I am on “Last Call with Carson Daly”  Me: I’M WATCHING YOU ON MY TV RIGHT NOW! Kelly: was I WEIRD?! Me: Ha! No! (Only a weirdo asks if they were weird!!)
Apr 8th
306 notes
Apr 8th
Apr 7th
31 notes
Apr 7th
10 notes
Apr 7th
tallfreak asked: Romy and Michelle is one of my favorite movies!
Apr 7th
Apr 7th
132 notes
The best birthday present I ever got was from my sister. I think it was when I turned 19. She gave me a pack of polaroid film, a bunch of candy and season three of Roseanne (which in my opinion is the best season). No one has ever gotten me a present more spot on then that one.
Apr 7th
12 notes
2 tags
Apr 6th
63 notes
Apr 6th
15 notes
Day 53 of having this flu
My throat seems to only be sore at night. I know I don’t need to swallow anything at night but since I have been coughing for ten years it results in me drinking water thus swallowing what feels like a sharp rock, maybe an arrowhead? Are those rocks? I don’t know but it hurts. I need a friend to come over and bring me ice cream to “cure” my sore throat and eat my feelings with. I noticed I don’t...
Apr 4th
3 notes
Apr 2nd