The other day I was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other holding my drink in the cupholder. For some reason the cupholder closest to the passenger side can never hold a drink, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spilled a drink in my car but I can tell you how many times I’ve cleaned it up: none. I say fuck that noise, it’s not my fault and if my car still...
Sitting in the car
Me to Dylan: Quit touching my vagina!
Stephanie: Did you just say, "Quit touching my vagina"?
Dylan: She was talking to her toes.
Supervisor: Hey do you remember Jon Benet Ramsey?
Me: She was a whore!
Added one more thing to my fake birthday list, A...
wiigz asked: Why ARE you so awesome?
electricband asked: WHY ARE YOU SO AWESOME?
Rob Delaney: I'd like an award →
RoofTop Comedy has nominated me for Funniest Twitterer along w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Michael Ian Black, Natasha Leggero, Eugene Mirman, Lizz Winstead, Aziz Ansari, Doug Benson, Rob Huebel & Paul Scheer. Good company, but you should vote for me. NOT OUT OF MERIT, but because I have the fewest… DO IT STUPIDS
If being a nerd means wearing a shirt of the...